I think I'm ready now.

I lost my son two weeks ago. The first two miscarriages hurt so much, but losing Gideon was numbing. I still have moments of tears, and sadness. But for the most part I feel healed.
Because of Amy's wedding we decided not to tell anyone until after the wedding. That gave Seth and I a little over a week to heal, and prepare ourselves for telling our family for the 3rd time since Elina's birth, that we lost a child. We have still not been able to tell everyone... but it is not so easy to pick up the phone and call with the single purpose being the death of a baby. Sweet Gideon. I didn't really know what to post, so I have decided to post some excerpts from my diary. Starting with the miscarriage. I hope this helps you heal as well.

Thursday November 5th
Today is so overwhelming. I’ll start from the beginning.
Day 3 of bleeding… I wanted to take the gender test before it was too late. I knew what was going on. I was losing my baby. I found out that I am pregnant with my little man! Joy and sadness came quickly. The bleeding got so much heavier over the night. I decided I am going to go on with my day like normal. I think it would have been worse for me to sit at home with my thoughts. So I went to mom’s club and then after a short nap Mariah and Elina and I went to Kohls. Moments after entering the store… My water broke. I wasn’t cought off guard. I had 2 days of warning. I hurried to the handicpped bathroom stall and had filled my pad in a matter of moments. So much blood. I cleaned up andwent back out. About 5 mins later I felt so much pressure that I could barly stand. I decided to finally go home. But It was to late. I hurried as fast as I could to the bathroom. As soon as I sat down the urgency to push came over me. I gve birth to my son in the Kohls handicapped bathroom stall. I knew we wanted to bury him. Seth and I had talked about it the night before. I placed his small body in a little plastic bag tht I had brought just in case. Blood was everywhere. I tried to clean it up.
I know it hasn’t truly hit me yet. I called Kohls and talked to a manager… I told him tht someone needed to disinfect the bathroom stall. The first time I sadi it aloud to someone else. It was harder than I thought. Poor guy. He handled it well.
I have to throw my’s wedding shower in an hour. Seth and I decided not to tell anyone. I’m going to have to really fake it. My body is so much more exhasteed this time than it was the last two. My abbs ach. Please don’t let anyone ask me about how the pregnancy is going. Just let me get through the night.
I don’t want to wake up tomorrow. I’m scared how real it will be.

Friday November 6th
Right before I stepped into the shower I stopped at the mirrior. Looking at my bare sleep and food deprived body, emptiness overwhelmed me. My once tiny pouch was gone. I realized I am not pregnant anymore. As I watched the blood marble with the water around my feet, I lost it. My body of bones hunched over in the corner trying to keep it all together. I don’t remember ever feeling this empty before. Why could I not keep him? I can’t do this again! 3 times since Elina. I’m DONE! Why can I not keep a baby safe in my body? The shower was my worst breakdown… but I fell apart all day. Reality hits. My baby is gone. This sucks.

Saturday November 7th
This morning pain that was so intense, woke me at 6. I fet like I was going through chidbirth. I don’t say that lightly. I called my midwife around 7 and she said to give it another hour…if it did not let up then I should go into Urgent care. I went in nd layed next to Seth hel put his arm on me….I fell asleep. I woke up an hour and a half later and all the pain was gone. I found later that my body was still trying to pass some pretty large clots. What a way to start the morning.
We Buiried Gideon this afternoon. Under the trees where Seth and I got married. I felt healing in the hot tears as they left my eyes. It was simple and sweet. Seth dug a hole and we laid his sweet little fradgile body in the dirt. We covered him. Seth said a small prayer and we went back to the car. Just the 2 of us.

Sunday November 8th
I feel numb. Wake up EVIE! It has been 3 days. I feel like I shouldn’t be crying anymore. I have a daughter I have to take careof. I don’t cry all the time… but just when I am alone and I realise… I am alone. No sweet baby is always with me anymore. I tried so hard to focus during the teaching this morning but I couldn’t. I couldn’t focus on anything. And it’s not as if I’m focusing on anything else… All that is in my head is NOTHING. Why am I doing this? Why am I not moving on? Is this normal?

Monday November 9th
The pain is less. Thoughts, and images don’t flood my mind every 2 seconds. I am moving forward. I think everything finished leaving my body today.

Tuesday November 10th
The bleeding stopped today. Almost like a fuacet that was turned off. So sudden, with no spotting. It just stopped. Shouldn’t this be good news? Shouldn’t I be happy? My body is healing. But for some reason to me this marks the end. The end of this period of time. The end of mourning. I feel as though all my emotions should cease with the beeding. Back to normal life. I feel so bakwards; so lost. Everytime I saw the blood, it hurt so deep. A daily reminder that my son is dead. But now that I don’t see it anymore… It is like my body has forgotten about Gideon. This makes me wonder if that feeling is innevitable. As my body heals and moves forward, it no longer does the things to care for a child anymore. And as I move forward and heal I am so terrified of forgetting my sweet child. But I have not forgotten the other three wonderful babies I already have in Heaven, I will never forget him. I need to heal, and I need to move forward.
Today also marks one week since bleeding started.

Bamboo or Cotton??

K, you’ve settled on nursery colors and you’re ready to shop, but now you’re just plain confused about which organic bedding to get for baby. Organic cotton and bamboo crib sets - two less-toxic options - now can be found all over. So which is the healthiest for your baby and the planet?

Bamboo
Naturally fast-growing and hardy, bamboo regenerates quickly without help from chemicals. The silky fabric wicks away moisture, and it’s often less expensive than organic cotton. But the process of converting the plant into fabric requires nasty chemicals. And there’s very little USDA-certified organic bamboo, so you can’t be 100-percent sure you’re getting what you want without some research. Bamboosa is a company that creates its fabric using certified organic bamboo grown on a farm that’s also certified organic.

Organic Cotton
In cotton’s favor, this fiber doesn’t need industrial processing to turn it into fabric. It’s available in a variety of weaves - sateen, flannel, jersey - as well as endless colors and patterns. On the downside, growing cotton without pesticides and fertilizers is far more labor-intensive than conventional methods, making the end product a bit pricey. When you spot the green USDA-certified organic label, though, you can be assured of the product’s purity.

Which Do You Choose?
Both bamboo and organic cotton fabric will be soft, cuddly, and easy to launder. “There are some good bamboo options out there,” says Sara Snow, author of Sara Snow’s Fresh Living: The Essential Room-By-Room Guide to a Greener, Healthier Family and Home, which comes out in March. “But if you have your choice, go with organic cotton."

Originally posted By Alison Aves
http://www.thecradle.com

Make your own truly natural organic baby products!

As my husband and I prepare for our second child, I have been thinking more and more of what I will use to clean and care for my little one. It has become increasingly easier and harder for moms to get natural organic products for baby. With more choices than ever before of true honest organic products. But along with that comes high prices and the twisting and spinning of words. Most people don't realize that the label word 'Natural' means nothing. There are no government regulations to have that label on your product. Or the latest word 'Green'.
When I go to buy my sweet baby's bath wash I don't want to have to decipher the riddle on the ingredients label. I want to know exactly what I am exposing my child to.
My husband and I are always look for a way to save some money, but with our Kids we have realized that there well being has to come over cost. However sometimes, the cost doesn't have to be so high. I was thrilled to find this site with some wonderful recipes for making your own products! That means as mom (or dad) you regulate what is truly going into each thing (bath wash, powder, oil)!

It is truly cost efficient and a great way to still put baby first!

-Evie




"Many conventional baby products contain questionable ingredients such as parabens, Sodium Lauryl Sulfate (SLS), talc, and synthetic perfumes and fragrances. All of these ingredients can have adverse effects on the health and well being of your baby, so it is no wonder that many parents have chosen to take matters into their own hands.

Parents are now finding that it is easy, more cost effective, and safer to make their own baby products with natural ingredients. By stocking your pantry with a few key natural ingredients you can make all sorts of natural baby products for baby. You don’t have to be a chemist to create luxurious, baby friendly products that are all natural.

Here are a few easy recipes for natural baby products that are sure to please:

All Natural Baby Wipes Solution
• 1 cup water
• 1/4 cup Aloe Vera Juice
• 1 tablespoon Apple Cider Vinegar
• 1 tablespoon Calendula Oil
• 1 teaspoon grated, unscented soap
• 2 drops Lavender Oil
• 2 drops Tea Tree Oil

Mix in a jar and then pour over organic cloth wipes or paper towels. This baby wipe solution is anti-fungal and great for discouraging yeast diaper rashes.

Homemade Baby Powder (Talc-free)
½ cup corn starch
½ cup Arrowroot powder
1 tablespoon dried ground chamomile
1 tablespoon dried ground lavender
¼ cup finely ground oats
Blend well and put in a shaker style bottle. Now you can powder your baby’s little bottom in safety.

Baby Bath Milk
1 cup milk
¼ cup corn starch
¼ cup finely ground oats
2-3 drops lavender, rose, or chamomile essential oils

Mix ingredients together and put in a shaker style bottle. To use, sprinkle a small amount in warm bath water.

A Better Baby Oil

1 cup Grapeseed or Apricot Kernel oil
4-6 drops lavender or chamomile essential oils
1-2 vitamin E capsules (optional)

Squeeze the vitamin E capsules into the oils and mix together. Store in a dark colored bottle and use as a bath or massage oil.

Lavender Dryer Sachets

1 small muslin drawstring bag (you can usually get these at craft stores)
Dried Lavender
2-3 drops lavender essential oil

Fill the muslin bag with the dried lavender and add the essential oil. Close the bag tightly and throw in the dryer along with your baby clothes. They will be super soft and they will smell great!

The skin is the body’s largest organ and it has the ability to absorb things that is comes into contact with. With that in mind do you want to expose your baby to potentially harmful chemicals or safe and natural ingredients? Most parents would agree that ensuring your baby products are completely natural is worth it. These recipes should help you get started.

Making our own baby products with all natural ingredients is fun to do, it saves money, and most importantly it ensures that our babies’ delicate immune systems are not unduly taxed by harmful product ingredients. Most of the ingredients listed above can be bought at conventional supermarkets and natural food stores so you can pick some up on your regular shopping trips."

Originally Posted by Jessica Fuqua on March 3, 2009

Also here are 2 great site that shows how to make other great natural products for around the house!!

http://lorettawallace.net/clean_green.html

http://www.eartheasy.com/live_nontoxic_solutions.htm

Everything has a label.

As a mom I have noticed for babies...everything is edible. Or at least everything makes it to the mouth. So then everything must have a 'food' label. As my Daughter is growing and advancing, my interest in what surrounds her is growing and advancing. As I research more and more into what is in the food we eat, I start to wonder what is going into and onto everything else? Toys, clothes, bottles, diapers, ointment...Etc.

Unfortunately living 'green' isn't a cheep thing in any area of life. It can be extremely overwhelming... To help my husband and I have decided to move slowly and start replacing (one by one) each item with organic. So as her shampoo runs out, we will buy something organic/natural, As she grows out of her clothes, start buying organic cotton/soy print. Also slowly buying wooden toys and putting others away. This way It does not come as one big shock, you can fit it into your budget as your budget allows. Another good idea is to make Christmas and birthday lists for grandparents and relatives. I send my family a list of sites with items that we really want for our little girly. That way grandma and grandpa can still get the joy of picking out her gift, and it is still something we approve of!

Here are a list of some great sites:

Our Green House- http://www.ourgreenhouse.com/ (love love love it!)

The Land of Nod- http://www.landofnod.com/gifts-for-baby/toys-gifts/1

The Soft Landing- http://www.thesoftlanding.com/

Diapers.com- http://www.Diapers.com- this site is not fully organic, however I have been able to find some great deals on organic items especially Diapers and wipes!! (free 2 day shipping)

Fair Indigo (Fair trade and organic for the whole family)- http://www.fairindigo.com

Eco Sleep Shop- http://www.kushtush.com/


Originally posted on: http://buginfood.blogspot.com/

Oh those crazy summer days...

Elina Had a pool day yesterday...sadly all i had was my camera phone...
what a ham. :)

The Future of Food

A terrifying reality.




This movie really helped to open my eyes even more to what is really going on in the GM (genetically modified) world!! I would recommend this to anyone. If you care about what you or your family is eating or 'feeding' into this is a MUST SEE.

For more info on pesticides used on produce and other chemicals check out http://buginfood.blogspot.com


It is so easy for us to see the harm in fast food, deep fried food, sugars. But who sees the harm in having corn on the cob with dinner? So many things that we saw as being nutritious and healthy are starting to fall through the cracks in to GM territory. Luckily for us Certified organic food and seeds can NOT be genetically modified. There is a way to still protect yourself and your family.

To live.

We are happier in many ways when we are old than when we were young. The young sow wild oats. The old grow sage. -Winston Churchill

I like this quote. I think because I tend to fear becoming old. It seems to be the breakdown of two major things...
-physical
-Emotional


But why fear the inevitable. God had a reason to Create beings in such a manner.I have been wondering Why this wold be the case. Then it hit me.
In so many old people they can keep their physical bodies healthy but in most cases there does come a point where it is just out of their hands. The long process that starts from birth picks up it's pace.
Also I have noticed that emotionally, life becomes difficult. Maybe it is just out of the pure frustration with their physical self. Or maybe it is just their mind giving up to what seems they are unable to outrun any longer.
However out of all of these frustrating breakdowns and deterioration of the body and mind, the one thing that only seems to grow stronger and more intense is the Spirit. I have seen so many elderly where their last years, weeks, and even days are their strongest with the Lord. God is preparing us to release our flesh to be with him for eternity.


I remember when I was about 8 moths pregnant my midwife said to me "I think it is great that God makes pregnancy more and more uncomfortable the longer you are pregnant. That way by the end you are willing to go through the immense pain in birth to be relieved of all the discomfort. It is seemingly only ways to prepare your mind to want to do this one thing that you fear for so long."


I think that this completely applies to life. Discomfort is seemingly one of the only ways for God to prepare us to leave our loved ones here on earth and the only 'home' we have known to truly come home to Him.

I can't wait to grow sage.
This makes me happy.

Testing the bounds

In our house we have a ceramic tiled area on which Elina is not allowed to crawl. I am not just being a mean parent, I assure you, the tile surrounds our wood fireplace. However there have been many times where she will definitely try to straddle the thin line between carpet and tile. Today was the day she crossed the thin line into the tile.I was in the kitchen preparing our lunch. (From the kitchen i can see the entire living room including this tiled area) Elina kept a close eye on me awaiting the moment I would look down. Something on the tile had caught her attention...the cat. She knew of the consequences but all was lost as she gazed into the cats eyes.




I looked down and she took off.




meanwhile in the kitchen...


While cutting some bread I noticed that Goober (brit's cat) was sprawled out on the tile, and Elina was seemingly captured by her. This wasn't unusual, Elina was always captured by 'kitty'. I thought to myself 'The tile must be Goober safe zone from Elina.' I noticed Elina was inching forward toward the tile. I called out her name to catch her attention. Elina looked up her huge eyes full of innocence. I smiled and looked down to cut the bread. All of a sudden I hear the slapping of hands and knees on ceramic tile, quickly followed by shrills of joy and excitement. I look up to see Elina going absolutely crazy!! Jumping around and throwing her hands up, almost as if she were doing some crazy tribal dance!!


then the moment came...when her gaze met mine.


She scooted backwards so fast off that tile I thought she was going to fall over.
quickly covered my mouth to hide the enormous smile. I slowly started to walk around the couter...


The tears came.
I didn't even have to say a word.


I picked her up and placed her in her 'pouty chair' aka time out.
she only sat for about 20 seconds. And then gave me a hug and stopped crying.




All was forgiven.


While Elina was in the pouty chair I pulled out my phone to take a picture...I couldn't resist capturing the moment. (keep in mind this is a picture phone...not great quality)

2 years!!

Happy anniversary baby! I love you.

Agreed.

There never was a good war or a bad peace.
-Benjamin Franklin

Fun with aunt Maymee.

Amy came over today...so we took some pics.

I'm finding it's easier to take pics of Elina alone. Babies are so much more natural than us. :) I guess I am very much still learning.

Here they are.

Photo shoot #2

I'm really enjoying myself. today I have been playing around with the attaching flash. When to use it, what direction so aim it. It has been great! God is so good. I feel so blessed that I happen to have all of these great tools at my fingertips. I think I took a little over 100 pictures! :) Because every time I take a pic I always hold the button down and the camera shoots about 5 more... It's great! If the first one doesn't turn out I get 5 more chances. haha.

I just want to say thank you to Britni! I steal a lot of her ideas for picture framing. :)

Let me know what you think!

passion: a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything.

So I, as most people know, am a very passionate person. Passionate for many things. For God, for relationship, for having fun, for dancing...etc. A big struggle for me is that I am surrounded b passionate people as well. I just happen to be surrounded by people who are really good at their passions. :) Because of this, it makes it so hard for me to step out in confidence and pursue my passions. There will always be someone who can do it better...haha. And that is true. However God has been showing me that it doesn't matter!! So I need to just start going for it!! He gave me that passion to enjoy! And to have fun!! I don't need to compare! :) There are 3 things that God has put a strong passion in me for. 1) Dancing 2)Photography 3)Painting/drawing

I have decided to start acting in the desire God has pressed upon me. So even if I'm awful it doesn't matter. I mean it is all for Him. I think god loves it. :)

So here are some picture that I took of Elina this afternoon. My first step into 'just going for it'. ( Thanks Caylan for the stacking toy)










Side note: I have to think that God must have a ENORMOUS refrigerator to fit all of his children art work on it!!

Update on FOCA

I received this letter via e-mail today:


In this letter: A report on the March for Life . . . the petition count has crossed 500,000 signatures! . . . an update on FOCA and what to expect next -- "FOCA-by-Stealth."

Dear Evangelina,

Surrounded by over 300,000 fellow pro-lifers -- many of you! -- on Thursday, the AUL Action team and our families marched up Constitution Avenue here in Washington DC, from the base of Capitol Hill to the steps of the Supreme Court. There were so many thousands of people thronging the streets that at times we couldn't move.

My eight-year-old daughter, Sarah, marched next to me, and I explained to her that we were headed to the Supreme Court so that the judges would know we believe abortion is wrong.

"Mommy," she asked, "how many people will it take to overturn Roe v. Wade?"

How many people indeed. My thoughts immediately went to you -- the hundreds of thousands of you who have signed the FightFOCA petition -- who have taken a public stand to say: our voices will not be silenced.
The day before the March for Life the petition count reached
HALF A MILLION signatures!

As I write today, the number has jumped to almost 600,000. That's partly because many people saw FightFOCA signs at the March.

But it's also because so many of you responded to our call to spread the word to your churches on Sanctity of Life Sunday -- the flyers were downloaded over 20,000 times! Thank you!

The success of this petition is because of YOU. The message has spread through email and through blogs and through Facebook and through word-of-mouth. Your efforts.

In fact, we have been so successful that now Cecile Richards, President of Planned Parenthood, and others are saying that they aren't going to try to pass the "Freedom of Choice Act" (FOCA).

Don't believe it for a second.

If your opponent gives up the frontal attack . . . you better start watching your flank.

We are now seeing the abortion forces waging an incremental battle -- working to pass what we have termed "FOCA-by-Stealth."
They think that if they take FOCA and repackage it and pass it in pieces and under different names . . . that we won't notice.

But with apologies to Shakespeare, FOCA by any other name, smells just as bad. And as they pass the Stealth FOCA's, more babies will be killed and more women victimized by the abortion-on-demand regime.

Case in point: I'm sure you've heard that the day after the March, President Obama used an executive order to overturn the long-standing ban on funding organizations that promote and perform abortions overseas. The media portrayed him as sensitive to pro-lifers because he waited till after the March -- in fact, he released the order at 5:00 on Friday -- a textbook stealth move to keep the story under the media radar.

And now they've added subsidies for the abortion industry into the economic stimulus package. No surprise: Cecile Richards used to be the Deputy Chief of Staff to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. So it's no wonder we saw Pelosi on the Sunday shows arguing that more tax dollars for Planned Parenthood -- and fewer children -- helps the economy. Incredible.

Friends, this is just the beginning. We have a lot of work in front of us.
Please keep encouraging your friends to sign the FightFOCA petition.

We will be using those signatures on Capitol Hill in the days ahead to argue against FOCA and ANY and EVERY piece of legislation that promotes abortion.

The FightFOCA petition says to Planned Parenthood and their Congressional allies: we will not be silenced.

The week before the March, my husband, Jack and I had the honor of attending the funeral of the pro-life hero, Father Richard John Neuhaus.

We were all reminded that in one of his last speeches, Father Neuhaus encouraged the pro-life movement by saying, "We shall not weary, we shall not rest, until every unborn child is protected in law and welcomed in life."

How many people will it take to overturn Roe? It takes you.

Thanks for your work and being a part of this movement.

Yours for Life,

Charmaine

Charmaine Yoest, Ph.D.
President & CEO
AUL Action The Legislative Arm of Americans United for Life
FightFOCA.com
FightFOCA@FightFOCA.com

P.S. -- More pictures from the March are posted on my Facebook page.