I think I'm ready now.

I lost my son two weeks ago. The first two miscarriages hurt so much, but losing Gideon was numbing. I still have moments of tears, and sadness. But for the most part I feel healed.
Because of Amy's wedding we decided not to tell anyone until after the wedding. That gave Seth and I a little over a week to heal, and prepare ourselves for telling our family for the 3rd time since Elina's birth, that we lost a child. We have still not been able to tell everyone... but it is not so easy to pick up the phone and call with the single purpose being the death of a baby. Sweet Gideon. I didn't really know what to post, so I have decided to post some excerpts from my diary. Starting with the miscarriage. I hope this helps you heal as well.

Thursday November 5th
Today is so overwhelming. I’ll start from the beginning.
Day 3 of bleeding… I wanted to take the gender test before it was too late. I knew what was going on. I was losing my baby. I found out that I am pregnant with my little man! Joy and sadness came quickly. The bleeding got so much heavier over the night. I decided I am going to go on with my day like normal. I think it would have been worse for me to sit at home with my thoughts. So I went to mom’s club and then after a short nap Mariah and Elina and I went to Kohls. Moments after entering the store… My water broke. I wasn’t cought off guard. I had 2 days of warning. I hurried to the handicpped bathroom stall and had filled my pad in a matter of moments. So much blood. I cleaned up andwent back out. About 5 mins later I felt so much pressure that I could barly stand. I decided to finally go home. But It was to late. I hurried as fast as I could to the bathroom. As soon as I sat down the urgency to push came over me. I gve birth to my son in the Kohls handicapped bathroom stall. I knew we wanted to bury him. Seth and I had talked about it the night before. I placed his small body in a little plastic bag tht I had brought just in case. Blood was everywhere. I tried to clean it up.
I know it hasn’t truly hit me yet. I called Kohls and talked to a manager… I told him tht someone needed to disinfect the bathroom stall. The first time I sadi it aloud to someone else. It was harder than I thought. Poor guy. He handled it well.
I have to throw my’s wedding shower in an hour. Seth and I decided not to tell anyone. I’m going to have to really fake it. My body is so much more exhasteed this time than it was the last two. My abbs ach. Please don’t let anyone ask me about how the pregnancy is going. Just let me get through the night.
I don’t want to wake up tomorrow. I’m scared how real it will be.

Friday November 6th
Right before I stepped into the shower I stopped at the mirrior. Looking at my bare sleep and food deprived body, emptiness overwhelmed me. My once tiny pouch was gone. I realized I am not pregnant anymore. As I watched the blood marble with the water around my feet, I lost it. My body of bones hunched over in the corner trying to keep it all together. I don’t remember ever feeling this empty before. Why could I not keep him? I can’t do this again! 3 times since Elina. I’m DONE! Why can I not keep a baby safe in my body? The shower was my worst breakdown… but I fell apart all day. Reality hits. My baby is gone. This sucks.

Saturday November 7th
This morning pain that was so intense, woke me at 6. I fet like I was going through chidbirth. I don’t say that lightly. I called my midwife around 7 and she said to give it another hour…if it did not let up then I should go into Urgent care. I went in nd layed next to Seth hel put his arm on me….I fell asleep. I woke up an hour and a half later and all the pain was gone. I found later that my body was still trying to pass some pretty large clots. What a way to start the morning.
We Buiried Gideon this afternoon. Under the trees where Seth and I got married. I felt healing in the hot tears as they left my eyes. It was simple and sweet. Seth dug a hole and we laid his sweet little fradgile body in the dirt. We covered him. Seth said a small prayer and we went back to the car. Just the 2 of us.

Sunday November 8th
I feel numb. Wake up EVIE! It has been 3 days. I feel like I shouldn’t be crying anymore. I have a daughter I have to take careof. I don’t cry all the time… but just when I am alone and I realise… I am alone. No sweet baby is always with me anymore. I tried so hard to focus during the teaching this morning but I couldn’t. I couldn’t focus on anything. And it’s not as if I’m focusing on anything else… All that is in my head is NOTHING. Why am I doing this? Why am I not moving on? Is this normal?

Monday November 9th
The pain is less. Thoughts, and images don’t flood my mind every 2 seconds. I am moving forward. I think everything finished leaving my body today.

Tuesday November 10th
The bleeding stopped today. Almost like a fuacet that was turned off. So sudden, with no spotting. It just stopped. Shouldn’t this be good news? Shouldn’t I be happy? My body is healing. But for some reason to me this marks the end. The end of this period of time. The end of mourning. I feel as though all my emotions should cease with the beeding. Back to normal life. I feel so bakwards; so lost. Everytime I saw the blood, it hurt so deep. A daily reminder that my son is dead. But now that I don’t see it anymore… It is like my body has forgotten about Gideon. This makes me wonder if that feeling is innevitable. As my body heals and moves forward, it no longer does the things to care for a child anymore. And as I move forward and heal I am so terrified of forgetting my sweet child. But I have not forgotten the other three wonderful babies I already have in Heaven, I will never forget him. I need to heal, and I need to move forward.
Today also marks one week since bleeding started.