It's a GIRL???!!!

Um... what? hahaha.
SO as many of you know we were told boy at around 20 weeks. However during the appointment to day we had an ultrasound the revealed we are undoubtedly having a baby GIRL!
Welcome baby BELLA COQUILLE!!!

Cholestasis...huh?

I don't really know where to start. Our world in the last 7 months has drastically changed. One of those changes includes our sweet baby that is growing in my stomach.
With The pregnancy alone I have had many physical battles, that have left me housebound for days at a time. Broken foot, bad cold, pre-term labor scare... But the most recent development is possibly causing Seth and I to step outside our comfort zone into what is, for us, unknown.
On Friday morning I woke with a slight cold that developed into an all out cold with fever and other symptoms. On Monday evening I started becoming very itchy. At first I thought it was normal pregnancy and dismissed it. Then the itching started to progress. Since Friday I had a hard time sleeping at night, but dismissed it because of the cold. By Tuesday I was feeling better but then Tuesday night I slept only 2 hours because the itching became so overwhelming I couldn't sleep through it. I called my midwife and we started monitoring it. Wednesday night I only slept 20 min. My feet felt like they were burning and my whole body itched. After trying topical creams and other meds we realized that all my symptoms lead to a condition called Cholestasis of Pregnancy.
Cholestasis is a condition that affects your liver. The normal flow of bile in the gallbladder is affected by the high amounts of pregnancy hormones. Pregnancy hormones affect gallbladder function, resulting in slowing or stopping the flow of bile. The gallbladder holds bile that is produced in the liver, which is necessary in the breakdown of fats in digestion. When the bile flow is stopped or slowed down, this causes a build up of bile acids in the liver which can spill into the bloodstream.
The spill out can also be referred to as bile salt. Your body then tries to get rid of this by seeping it out through the skin causing extreme irritation and itching. (I think I have this all right) This being the case, anything topical will not work or your normal antihistamines. Because the itch is actually under the skin not on the surface. It is coming from inside. So if you do scratch it only multiplies the pain and itching. So my first question was, How is this going to effect my sweet little baby? Cholestasis may increase the risks for fetal distress, preterm birth, or stillbirth. A developing baby relies on the mother’s liver to remove bile acids from the blood; therefore, the elevated levels of maternal bile cause stress on the baby’s liver.
Tomorrow morning I am going to Eugene to see a specialist to get testing done. My midwife along with the specialist are pretty sure that I have this. All my symptoms point in the direction of this condition. The test will take around a week to get results back, however because of my lack in sleep and inability to function properly I am starting the medication tomorrow. If the medication works then it would seem very obvious that I have this condition. If the test comes back positive, it means major changes in my birth plan. From now up until birth (about 4-5 weeks) I would have to go to Eugene twice a week for ultra sound checks on baby. I would have to have a hospital birth, and I would have to be induced at around 35 weeks. For most of you who know Seth and I this would normally be something that would shake us up. But Seth and I both have a significant amount of peace surrounding this. The most important part of this whole thing is that our sweet little bay is safe and healthy! If this is the case my midwife will continue to play a significant role in my prenatal and postpartum care, as well as being present at my birth.

I know this is a lot to take in, and a lot to be praying for! Please join us in praying for safety and Papa's guidance. We have comfort in our Father and peace with our situation. Also pray for Elina to have a peace as well. She can feel the emotions of those around her very easily and is greatly affected by it. She is an amazing little chica. Thanks.

Remembering my passions...

Seth and Elina! (and little baby in my belly too!!!)


Someday Building our own Cob house!!!


Making all our own baby wipes solution using Organic Bamboo muslin wipes.
All Natural Baby Wipes Solution
• 1 cup water
• 1/4 cup Aloe Vera Juice
• 1 tablespoon Apple Cider Vinegar
• 1 tablespoon Calendula Oil
• 1 teaspoon grated, unscented soap
• 2 drops Lavender Oil
• 2 drops Tea Tree Oil


Growing our garden. Taking another step toward becoming self sustaining.

The Eventful Ride Home...

On the way home from Mom's group, in between Philomath and Corvallis (no stores or anything).

Elina: Momma, I have to pee.
Me: Really? Really bad?
Elina: (slight grunt) Yeah

I find this little gardening store that is very vacant of any customers. Feeling kinda awkward and a little bad, but very desperate, I asked the attendant where the public restrooms were. I rush Elina to the bathroom get her on the potty. She grunts a little then looks at me and says "Oh, it was just a toot. I'm done"


On a good note, the car seat is still yet to be 'spoiled' in.

Ah summer.

Elina Is growing up so fast. But I am enjoying it. I think I am ready for fall! Bring on the clouds cold weather and RAIN!! I love Oregon.

so so so long. I know.

It has been so long since I have last blogged. But life still moves on. It does not stop. And my life is so full.

I am...

moved.

Pregnant. (<---- Yay Yay Yay!!!)

Enjoying Elina. ( Who is really 2 and independent)

Part of 'The Crew' for the RECYCLE LOVE FESTIVAL. (YEAH!!)

So yeah, life does not slow down much. But that's OK. I'm learning to live daily in His grace. Trying to learn what Grace truly is. But I am enjoying it. But even so with all this, there are so many things I still want to tackle and do. So

I will...(hopefully)

Finish our kitchen.

Live completely sold out for my Papa! With no fear.

Give up myself. Give up my selfishness.

Grow a garden.

Teach Elina to do cool artsy things.

be artsy myself.

Finish Elina's wardrobe.

Mostly the 2nd one. :D Only one that truly matters. The rest are a bonus right? So yeah, these are all the things going on in my head. to much to write the past so many months out. But I will try to write more often, and not allow such a gap again. Be blessed.

I think I'm ready now.

I lost my son two weeks ago. The first two miscarriages hurt so much, but losing Gideon was numbing. I still have moments of tears, and sadness. But for the most part I feel healed.
Because of Amy's wedding we decided not to tell anyone until after the wedding. That gave Seth and I a little over a week to heal, and prepare ourselves for telling our family for the 3rd time since Elina's birth, that we lost a child. We have still not been able to tell everyone... but it is not so easy to pick up the phone and call with the single purpose being the death of a baby. Sweet Gideon. I didn't really know what to post, so I have decided to post some excerpts from my diary. Starting with the miscarriage. I hope this helps you heal as well.

Thursday November 5th
Today is so overwhelming. I’ll start from the beginning.
Day 3 of bleeding… I wanted to take the gender test before it was too late. I knew what was going on. I was losing my baby. I found out that I am pregnant with my little man! Joy and sadness came quickly. The bleeding got so much heavier over the night. I decided I am going to go on with my day like normal. I think it would have been worse for me to sit at home with my thoughts. So I went to mom’s club and then after a short nap Mariah and Elina and I went to Kohls. Moments after entering the store… My water broke. I wasn’t cought off guard. I had 2 days of warning. I hurried to the handicpped bathroom stall and had filled my pad in a matter of moments. So much blood. I cleaned up andwent back out. About 5 mins later I felt so much pressure that I could barly stand. I decided to finally go home. But It was to late. I hurried as fast as I could to the bathroom. As soon as I sat down the urgency to push came over me. I gve birth to my son in the Kohls handicapped bathroom stall. I knew we wanted to bury him. Seth and I had talked about it the night before. I placed his small body in a little plastic bag tht I had brought just in case. Blood was everywhere. I tried to clean it up.
I know it hasn’t truly hit me yet. I called Kohls and talked to a manager… I told him tht someone needed to disinfect the bathroom stall. The first time I sadi it aloud to someone else. It was harder than I thought. Poor guy. He handled it well.
I have to throw my’s wedding shower in an hour. Seth and I decided not to tell anyone. I’m going to have to really fake it. My body is so much more exhasteed this time than it was the last two. My abbs ach. Please don’t let anyone ask me about how the pregnancy is going. Just let me get through the night.
I don’t want to wake up tomorrow. I’m scared how real it will be.

Friday November 6th
Right before I stepped into the shower I stopped at the mirrior. Looking at my bare sleep and food deprived body, emptiness overwhelmed me. My once tiny pouch was gone. I realized I am not pregnant anymore. As I watched the blood marble with the water around my feet, I lost it. My body of bones hunched over in the corner trying to keep it all together. I don’t remember ever feeling this empty before. Why could I not keep him? I can’t do this again! 3 times since Elina. I’m DONE! Why can I not keep a baby safe in my body? The shower was my worst breakdown… but I fell apart all day. Reality hits. My baby is gone. This sucks.

Saturday November 7th
This morning pain that was so intense, woke me at 6. I fet like I was going through chidbirth. I don’t say that lightly. I called my midwife around 7 and she said to give it another hour…if it did not let up then I should go into Urgent care. I went in nd layed next to Seth hel put his arm on me….I fell asleep. I woke up an hour and a half later and all the pain was gone. I found later that my body was still trying to pass some pretty large clots. What a way to start the morning.
We Buiried Gideon this afternoon. Under the trees where Seth and I got married. I felt healing in the hot tears as they left my eyes. It was simple and sweet. Seth dug a hole and we laid his sweet little fradgile body in the dirt. We covered him. Seth said a small prayer and we went back to the car. Just the 2 of us.

Sunday November 8th
I feel numb. Wake up EVIE! It has been 3 days. I feel like I shouldn’t be crying anymore. I have a daughter I have to take careof. I don’t cry all the time… but just when I am alone and I realise… I am alone. No sweet baby is always with me anymore. I tried so hard to focus during the teaching this morning but I couldn’t. I couldn’t focus on anything. And it’s not as if I’m focusing on anything else… All that is in my head is NOTHING. Why am I doing this? Why am I not moving on? Is this normal?

Monday November 9th
The pain is less. Thoughts, and images don’t flood my mind every 2 seconds. I am moving forward. I think everything finished leaving my body today.

Tuesday November 10th
The bleeding stopped today. Almost like a fuacet that was turned off. So sudden, with no spotting. It just stopped. Shouldn’t this be good news? Shouldn’t I be happy? My body is healing. But for some reason to me this marks the end. The end of this period of time. The end of mourning. I feel as though all my emotions should cease with the beeding. Back to normal life. I feel so bakwards; so lost. Everytime I saw the blood, it hurt so deep. A daily reminder that my son is dead. But now that I don’t see it anymore… It is like my body has forgotten about Gideon. This makes me wonder if that feeling is innevitable. As my body heals and moves forward, it no longer does the things to care for a child anymore. And as I move forward and heal I am so terrified of forgetting my sweet child. But I have not forgotten the other three wonderful babies I already have in Heaven, I will never forget him. I need to heal, and I need to move forward.
Today also marks one week since bleeding started.